Scott's "A Tale of Two Cities" - Chapter Three: The Candyman Can

I suppose it would be helpful if I gave you a bit of background... My marketing teachers, Dan and Mike (yes, Taylor, we've got Dan and Mike -- they're hilarious!) are self-proclaimed chocolate fiends. As such, our two projects this term are related to marketing and selling various types of chocolate in different European countries. For example, I am tasked with trying to sell Hershey's chocolate in Italy and Iceland. Word to the wise: Iceland is a fish-oil soaked logistical nightmare that, if I had my way, would never see another piece of chocolate arrive on its barren, volcano-ridden shores. But that's neither here nor there.

Our intrepid professors decided that as a treat we should visit the gigantic Cadbury factory in Birmingham and the attached Cadbury World attraction. So, Sunday (May 7) was another early start. The coach bus left the castle at 8am sharp for a 4.5 hour ride up to Birmingham, which is north-west of London.

Since it was such a long drive, and since I had never seen the original Charlie and Chocolate Factory movie, Maureen brought her laptop and we watched it on the way up. We also stopped off at a futuristic highway rest stop in Oxford which was far, far nicer than any highway rest stop should be. It looked like a high-tech airport terminal, and had a large deck facing a large pond complete with fountains. Long story short: way too swanky for a Burger King.

When we arrived at Cadbury World, we were somewhat disappointed to discover what looked like a giant high school attached to a sketchy 19th-century factory building. I had, quite naturally, pictured an Epcot-like structure made to look like a giant Cadbury's Creme Egg. Anyway, we had a bit of free time before the tour started, so we all went to the "World's Biggest Cadbury Shop" to purchase cheap, delicious candy.

I've been trying to make these chapters shorter (and more readable) but I'm going to take a moment to discuss the glory that is Cadbury. They had one wall that was absolutely covered in the most spectacular collection of Dairy Milk chocolate products. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Beyond the normal Dairy Milk and Fruit and Nut bars, they offered (let's see if I can remember):

Dairy Milk with Whole Nuts
Dairy Milk with Shortcake Biscuit Chunks
Dairy Milk with Mint Chips
Dairy Milk with Orange
Dairy Milk with Caramel
Dairy Milk with Creme Egg Filling (that one was damned good)
Dairy Milk with Crunchie (toffee) Bits
Dairy Milk with Turkish Delight
Dairy Milk Bubbly (like an Aero bar)
Dairy Milk Crispy (with rice crispies)

Listing all of those types of chocolate bar reminds me of my aborted attempts to remember all the dozen or so police forces I saw while I was in DC. Obviously this list is far more delicious. They also had a gigantic 5kg Dairy Milk bar which I not-so-seriously considered purchasing. It's pictured below. Only 28 quid.

Anyway, once we had finished buying a disgustingly large amount of chocolate at even more disgustingly low prices (250g Fruit and Nut bars for $2. It was absurd) we regrouped for our tour. As we entered, a friendly bloke in a purple Cadbury blazer (I was SO angry they weren't selling those in the gift shop!) handed us our first two free sample candy bars.

The doors opened into an Aztec jungle where we learned about the beginnings of cocoa. This transitioned into the story of how chocolate arrived in Europe via Spanish conquistadors. I especially enjoyed this section as it combined two of my favourite things: candy and imperialism.

Next we arrived in Victorian England where we learned about the beginnings of the Cadbury chocolate company. From there we were shown how chocolate is made, and then toured around their factory and observed the machines at work. On our way out we received more free chocolate bars. Then came the best part: the Cadabra ride.

I can best describe Cadabra as a crappy, crappy, "It's a small world after all"-type ride. Clearly designed for two year olds (or people who are stoned out of their minds), it comprised a painfully slow car-ride through several "countries" of freaky cocoa beans (they looked like California Raisins painted brown). Many of the beans were stuck on blatantly visible metal rods that moved around and made them dance to bizarre background elevator music. Also, scattered throughout were a number of bizarre sights: there were a pair of inexplicably muscle-bound cacti, a couple of gigantic robotic cows, and a black-lit tunnel full of neon cocoa beans. Anyways, my friends and I were killing ourselves laughing the whole way through. Below are some of my friends riding "through the jungle." You'll notice several stationary cocoa beans at the bottom.

After that we walked through a demonstration area where they had free samples of chocolate for us to try. Next we tried our hand at the "Happiness Room" which was like a crappy, crappy version of DDR (I don't expect that many of you are familiar with DDR. It stands for Dance Dance Revolution and is a video game where you have to dance and step on the coloured squares as they light up. Note: my friend Claire is a DDR master). Basically, a spot on the floor or wall would light up and you'd have to hit it. It was painfully slow, but we succeeded in achieving some measure of happiness... at least according to the computer.

Then we walked through a couple of rooms which showed off old TV ads that Cadbury has used over several decades . And, while most of them were British ads I had never seen before, they played one old ad for Crunchie that I used to love as a kid: It was the one where they had an animated rollercoaster made out of chocolate (full of people made out of chocolate) that went spinning around all over the place and melted into itself to the tune of "I'm So Excited." It was great.

That pretty much finished off the tour. We then walked outside to the new "Essence" attraction which they had just opened behind the existing Cadbury World. Inside "Essence" we travelled back in time to see Mr. Cadbury create his famous Dairy Milk chocolate by putting one and a half cups of "real dairy milk" into his chocolate-making machine. Anyway, after that we were herded into a room with a large chocolate bar (I mean bar like where you serve drinks) which had liquid chocolate on tap. At the bar you would order a type of candy, which they would place in a plastic cup. They would then fill the cup with liquid chocolate from their tap to create your own chocolate concoction. By that point of the day, though, I had reached the point where I never wanted to eat another bite of chocolate again, so I didn't partake.

That was pretty much the end of the day. We all re-boarded the buses around 3.30, and set off back to the castle. On the way home I read the Sherlock Holmes novel I had been assigned for my British Studies class, entitled The Sign of Four. It was quite good, and I've decided I should look into reading some more Holmes when I get home. We got back to the castle around 8pm, and after a (very) small dinner I spent the evening talking to various people, and distributing fairly vast amounts of chocolate throughout my residence.

Well, that concludes the chapter on Cadbury. I was going to give a quick overview of the last week, but this section already appears to be rather long. So, that shall have to wait for another entry. But, ridiculously enough I will probably write that entry tonight, anyway!

Oh, and as a note, I'm going to go back right now and post a few pictures of the castle itself in the empty "Book the First" posting that I made on May 7. That way you can see where I'm actually taking classes and living.